My husband is a good and insightful man. This weekend we were talking about life, more specifically about living here in northern New Mexico. Thomas had a drive on Saturday that gave him some time to pray and talk with God. He told me later that he prayed for me and asked God to help me resist becoming cynical. I hadn't even realized I would need this prayer.
It is generally true that I am an optimist. Not just the silver lining seeking optimist, but I really want to believe in the good in everybody. I want to believe in that best part of ourselves that refuses to give way to selfish, mean or petty ways. That place within us that when we let it shine, illuminates the good in others. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
People may think that's just being a Pollyanna or terribly naive. But I believe that it is just more authentic to the human spirit and that deep down we all really want to be good people. There's always exceptions, but thus far I have been steadfast against cynicism. I have had the good fortune of working over the years side by side with some amazing living saints. People who selflessly give and love for others, people who humbly open their hearts and hands to receive, and people who quietly bear witness to the beauty of friendship, creation, and humanity. It really is remarkable to have found myself in the company of such great people.
And yet Tom's prayer was as timely as any. Today was difficult and trying. Not the first trial in my life, and certainly not the first since moving here. Likely not the last. When Thomas and I decided that we wanted to move out of the city, it was for many reasons, not the least was my own pursuit of a certain idyllic quality I found in the small towns I lived in during my various travels. The notion of really knowing your neighbors, being in community, has been very strong for me, and I struggled in the big city to maintain that when there are easily 50+ people living on a block and 20+ blocks between home and work, and even more between home and friends. So many strangers, not enough neighbors. I was challenged by the notion that out here people live in a small town to get away from neighbors, but I have wonderful family and have met some great people, too. Unfortunately, I have also met people who challenge my optimism.
So I end the day feeling foolish and naive to want to find the good in someone who treated me poorly and said hurtful things to me. Feeling weak when the urge to be cynical arises. But I don't want to give up, and I don't want to be beat. I want to rise up singing and looking again for a reason to celebrate. A small town can be tough when people act petty, mean, and selfish, but I don't want to give in to that behavior or be bullied by it either. I am grateful for my family who rallies me when it feels like being a misanthrope is a better option.
Tomorrow can be a better day.
2 comments:
Hey Church Lady,
A good friend of mine in a high place that likes cigars once told me that in his job he had witnessed the worst non christian behavior come from people who touted themselves as GOOD christians. Fear not. Consider it as a test from the devil and not give it power over you. I know that you can pass any test that the devel throws your way. After all you are the "Church Lady" and "aren't they special"!!!!
I appreciate your desire to always look for the good in people. Heck, you found it somewhere buried deep in Thomas. Heee Hee Heee. You must have had a deep well drill. Hee hee. Or maybe sonar. OK enough of the funny. You are kind and loving and a blessing to our family and community.
love, Marie
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