Pain...

This isn't a blog about my dang jaw, which has been hurting for a week (self-diagnosed jaw clenching and teeth grinding in my sleep).  This isn't a blog about Thomas's low back, which is hurting him terribly.  These physical pains may keep us awake at night or disturb our days, but not like the heart-wrenching pain of losing a loved one.

 

It has been a week, and I have been at a loss of words of what to put here.  I don't wish to over-sentimentalize or tell a flowery tale.  The truth just sucks.  And for all the vocabulary we have, there really is no better way to say it than, "This really sucks!" 

 

My little friend Liam has gone to be with God.  He died on Friday, February 18th, leaving his poor Mama and Daddy and big brother Ezra here on earth.  I like to picture him free of the tubes, the warming bed, and monitors, playing with his Uncle Jonathan.  Ahna and Oren did a lovely job capturing his short life in a beautiful collection of pictures.  Thomas and I were fortunate to be with them on Tuesday to honor Liam's life and send him to God with our prayers. 

 

It is somewhat easy for me to want to focus on the positive: that Thomas and I were both able to take the time off work to be there, that we were all together to support each other but more importantly Ahna and Oren, that Liam will never have to suffer anymore, that so many people love and care for Ahna and Oren, that the weather was absolutely gorgeous to be gathered outside, that the service was very beautiful with special contributions from both grandmothers, and so on.  But for all the beauty of the day, it really sucked.  It really sucked that we weren't rallying together and celebrating with food for a different occasion. 

 

I can only imagine the indelible mark left on a parent's heart after the loss of one's own flesh and blood.  There is a pain that we have felt in our heart and in our head and even in our soul for the incomprehensible loss of Liam's health, and now for the loss of his life.  I haven't heard of a cure-all salve for this kind of hurt, but time and the love of friends and family usually help.  I invite you to join the circle of love and to lift up Ahna, Oren, and Ezra, their family and friends, and all who mourn and grieve the loss of Liam.  (www.ourlittlehippie.com)

Time flies...

What a week! Life rolls on, and tomorrow is March! It is a little alarming how quickly the year has started. Maybe I thought we would have to make up the snow days or something. It will be spring before I know it, and I have to admit that I am not quite ready. I am sure the time has been flying because my weekends have been (and will be) blurring into the weekdays. It seems that nearly every weekend I have at least a few hours of work. We were able to get away overnight to Santa Fe last week. We needed to do some grocery shopping, but we also made time to check out the art museum, the Chuck Jones gallery, and the plaza. Thomas introduced me to the deliciousness of Posas (El Merendero), which even had a vegetarian tamale on the menu. It was fun, and now I have three weekends of work coming up. Maybe we can sneak away again at the end of March.

My tall, dark, and handsome man standing by a doorway in the courtyard of the art museum. He would have been a very stooped man walking through doorways that short back in the day or a very stupid man for hitting his head over and over again.

Timing is everything....

This morning I had the opportunity to sit and visit with our homeless neighbors.  They are temporarily "house-sitting" for another neighbor that lives and works out of state most of the year.  It was good to see them, especially in such positive spirits.  I appreciate the attitude they have taken about starting over, though I am sure they save their moments of despair for each other and not with me.  They are soon to be moving to Springer in a cousin's vacant house, but first the water line and furnace need to be repaired.  There has been an outpouring of assistance, and even the radio is announcing the bank accounts established for people to donate their support to them.  We talked about the paperwork, the lost treasures, and even how to treat gout.  If possible, when they are more settled, they would consider putting an old single wide back on the land to enjoy day trips or overnights in comfortable weather...their own private picnic grounds when life in the "city" gets to be too much.

 

From there I headed in to work.  The sun was already high and warming, and as I approached Rayado, I saw a wonderful sight.  There was a cluster of shapes moving west across the ranch land on the east side of the highway.  I anticipated the cluster, about 8 or 9 deer, would move across the highway, so I slowed and watched them spring up over the barbed wire and prance across the highway to spring up and over the fence on that side.  The deer were really quite beautiful, and it was just plain fun to watch.  The way they can bound over the fence from a standing position is quite remarkable, as I can neither jump that high nor that far from a standing position.  And sure, even a running start wouldn't change things much.

 

It just made me thankful for divine timing.  There is nothing one can do to change one's course in a day to make sure one is in the right place at the right time because we just can't anticipate what we might get to see.  Thomas didn't drop trash at the dumpsters Monday on his way to work, so he stopped on the way home.  From there he watched a pair of bald eagles diving into a field as they hunted for their afternoon snack.  He didn't know when he passed by in the morning that the afternoon stop would be worth the wait.  When I saw the mountain lion and the times I have seen eagles, I didn't know to be at a particular place at a particular time to witness something special.

 
And then I wonder what the good reason could be that I got stuck behind the school bus coming home from work, and not even just the school bus, but behind a slow Texan that was behind the slow school bus.  It took a while for the right opportunity, but I passed them both and was on my way.

Anyway, I ramble, but truly I feel blessed with God's timing to lay things before me, both majestic and mundane.  It is, as I was teaching a few weeks ago, a gift of the Spirit...wonder and awe!

Nostalgia that didn't rise to the occasion

Who wouldn't love that face?!?!

That is the heart focaccia of last night's dinner...and my sweet baboo! Tonight I didn't beat Thomas home by much, and as he hadn't called to say when he was leaving, I was hesitant to know what to fix for dinner. He would likely be hungry, but he could show up in one minute or fifty....what's a good wife to do? I had picked up some mozz for making pizza. I planned to make some pizza dough and make a deep dish pizza circa July 14, 2008. I would improvise with green chiles in place of the jalapenos, and maybe no Guinness. Thomas and I had our first date on my porch, but a couple of nights later he took me out for pizza at Wyman's (our first date out) before he took me grocery shopping. As luck would have it, the yeast was just proofing as Thomas pulled up. I hurried through making the dough and setting it to rise, but it never really did. Actually, there is no "really" about it. It flat our looked like the lump of dough I put in the bowl when I uncovered it forty minutes later. It was like rolling out cold modeling clay, so I skipped the deep dish notion. He wanted pepperoni on his side, so mine was extra green chile and pineapple-y. I slid it into the oven and hoped it would be okay. And it was! And now we are still full. And even though I asked Tom to bring home dulce de leche ice cream, neither of us have any room. Guess I will have to work on that pizza dough recipe...And maybe ice cream for breakfast? (just kidding - I would never do that...got to keep up my healthy reputation...)

Wishing you a day of love....

Valentine's Day has come again, and the notes I thought I would have written and mailed are still just in my head.

 

I did get to share some love with Thomas yesterday.  I like to cook, but Thomas laments that I usually ask his opinion too much while I am cooking.  "Do you think ____ would go good with ____?"  "Should I add some more ____ to this?"  "Would you rather have ______ or _____?"  This line of questioning annoys the man, so I made dinner last night without asking any questions of him....well, except his help at the end to peel the main course.

 

A little bit ago, Thomas and I happened upon a really good deal on frozen lobster tails.  Thomas likes to respond "lobster" when I ask him what he wants for dinner.  So we got some, and last night I finally served up some lobster for him.  I made focaccia bread - heart shaped for my love, which was the longest of the labor of love because of letting it rise and all that.  I made large shells with a creamy white wine reduction.  I did roast a red bell pepper over the fire so that I could puree it and make the sauce pinkish red, though it cam out more orange-y.  And atop the shells and sauce was the lobster tail.  I opened a bottle of New Mexican wine we received as a wedding present, and we toasted almost 8 months of wedded bliss...truly....blissful!  It was fun to have something fancy-ish in the middle of Miami, though I wished I had fresh greens for a salad.  What to do to top that for dinner tonight, I just don't know!

 

Disclaimer: While I didn't ask Thomas for help, I did ask my parents for the how-to on the lobster. 

Double Disclaimer: I know this sounds like I am tooting my own horn, but I was pretty pleased with myself for what I would consider an adventurous meal.

 

 

---

TV dinner still cooling?
Check out "Tonight's Picks" on Yahoo! TV.

What a day...

This morning I was afraid that I got up at 8 am.  I know that is sleeping in for some, and compared to my weekday rising, it is later.  However, I don't want to imagine that 8 am ever feels late.  It turned out that a book was blocking my view of the alarm clock and it was almost 9 am.  Much better!

Tom had already suggested that we work together on the wood pile/wood porch today because it was going to be sunny, so I woke up and fixed a hearty breakfast of eggs, fake chorizo, potatoes and green chiles, etc.  It may have been a little too hearty, since we didn't have a chance to digest before donning our work clothes over several warm layers.  

I tried to stock as much of the wood in the porch next to the fireplace, leaving the porch nearly empty.  I dumped the ashes in the compost and swept up all the bark and debris out of the porch.  It was ready to be refilled, but most of the pile was under snow.  Tom pulled out a few pallets to re-stack the wood.  We were able to clear a lot of the snowy stuff to reveal the drier wood in the middle.  As we walked around the pile, we had to bend over to pick up the wood.  We were actually towering over our pile!  It seemed hard to believe we had burned up that much wood!  As we continued through the layers, I saw layers and layers of wood under the snow level.  Crazy!

I needed to change gears, so I grabbed the ax and began swinging.  My first piece took several tries to make a dent.  Thomas suggested a better hand position, and then I started splitting the wood with no problem.  (Usually when we fell a tree, we just "block" it into the right length and load up the trunk in 12 - 16" rounds.  These were what I was splitting.)  It was a lot of fun to see the wood split apart, and I am glad to know I can do it.  I still think the power splitter is a lot easier, of course, but maybe my arms won't jiggle so much if I keep it up!

Anyway, that was most of the day.  I had to work this afternoon at a couple of trainings in Angel Fire - 75 minutes of training, 165 minutes of driving...yuck!  Now I am off to bed, so I can get up early for work again...

Just plain lucky...

I feel like it should be a good omen to see a bald eagle.  At least I feel like I could use a good omen.  I approached a bunch of birds in the road hovering over some small roadkill in the middle of the highway.  As the birds scattered for me, it looked like one bird had been dipped in snow.  As I passed the bird on the fence post, it was unmistakably a bald eagle.  It was very pretty.  The end.